I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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