The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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