strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
