My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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