She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
