I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
