i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
