im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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