cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
