i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
