that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
