I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
