People in love make me want to vomit
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
