I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
