I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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