if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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