I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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