Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
