seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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