then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
