Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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