if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
