What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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