I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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