at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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