Clothes are such an inconvenience.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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