Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
