if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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