who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
