What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You smell like stripper and shame
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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