Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
