Who did Billy Mays play for?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have tasted many bathrooms
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
