I heard we made out
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Randomize
