Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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