I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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