he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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