your thong is hanging out like whoa
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
