mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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