I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
