Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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