Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
