John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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