Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
