i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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