Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
