then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
pop tarts are not kleenex
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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