you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
