i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
