dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
