Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize