i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
