Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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