I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize