I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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