like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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