I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
