I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
