Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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