Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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